Forgive No More
by Feawen
Summary: Reamus goes to visit Sirius in Azkaban a month after his arrest to tie up the loose ends, and ask a single question. Why?


I don't know why I went to visit the traitor, he had gotten what he deserved, I knew that. He had done it, and yet something seemed wrong to me. I guess I did find a reason in the end, though what exactly it was I can't remember. I would have gone on my gut alone, that feeling that there was something wrong, but my more logical side wanted something better.  
  
I arrived at the only dock with a boat going to Azkaban that morning, just as the mist was clearing. You could just see the fortress looming in the distance, and then disappear once again into the mists. I shivered thinking of the cold that would soon flow through my blood when I set foot on that island. I stepped on to the boat, still mystified by the fortress in the distance, slowly coming closer.  
  
I had been working hard to prepare myself for the cold, but now I realize that nothing can. I don't believe there is a human who can handle the feeling of setting foot on that godforsaken rock, even if they had been there before. The cold that sweeps over your body and consumes your soul, sadness and guilt overtakes you.  
  
I could hear the prisoners muffled screams through the cold stone walls, and I wondered is Sirius was among them. As I walked slowly towards the heavily guarded entrance I was over swept with sadness and guilt, and memories I wished to banish. But what must clearly came to my mind as Sirius' screams to me as he was dragged from that courtroom.  
  
"Remus! Remus please, I am innocent! Help me!" I remember his pleas so clearly; something in me wanted to help him, needed to believe him.  
  
"Remus...Moony!" his final words to me as he was dragged into another room. Moony! How dare he use that name!? It was such a blow to me, from that traitor. I had trusted him all those years, and now this.  
  
For some reason beyond logic his shrieks still echoed in my head. There was something about them that made me think he was innocent, but I knew in my heart it was a lie. I meditated o that moment as I was greeted by the warden and led into the depths of the fortress.  
  
My thoughts clashed and battled in my head. Sirius would never lie to me; he could to any one else, but never me...or James. He was lying all along. No, Sirius couldn't lie to a marauder, aside from Peter, you could always tell, it was in his eyes. Thoughts around my head, the idea of Sirius' innocence popping into my head more then once, but I managed to banish them. No. I told myself sternly, He killed Lily, James, and now Peter too. He was a murderer.  
  
All my thoughts were interrupted as we halted in front of a dark cell. The world flooded back to me, like the coming of the tide. I stepped forward, peering into the darkness of the cell, dimly aware of the dementor now close by, the endless screaming never meeting my ears.  
  
It took a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the light, and even then I could barley make out Sirius' dark figure huddled in the corner. He held his knees against his chest and his head lay on top of them, his messy hair covering his face. The thought of his pain ran through my mind before I could stop it. He deserves this, I told myself once again. He is a murderer and should rot here. I waited in silence watching the traitor.  
  
"Sirius," the warden called into the darkness of the cell. Stepping closer to the cell, more because of the dementors hovering a few feet behind him than anything else. Sirius didn't move, either from lack of caring or hearing, of which I am not sure. "Sirius," the warden coaxed once again with the same reply, "You have a visitor." Again nothing, " A Mr. Lupin is here to see you."  
  
Sirius raised his head a few inches and looked at me through the darkness. He stared at me for a few moments before he crawled over. He sat on the floor a foot behind the bars. He stared up at me for a, disbelief clear on his face.  
  
"Remus..." he breathed disbelievingly. I kneeled down so I was level with him, his eyes never leaving me.  
  
"I want to know why, Sirius." I said bluntly. He did not deserve anything but the sharp tone I heard echo back at me. The harshness of my own voice scared me, Sirius flinched.  
  
"Remus... Moony..." he started, trailing of in disbelief. The blow of our previous friendship hit me like a hammer. "I didn't...I never...Wormtail..." even if his words had made sense I still wouldn't have believed him.  
  
"A street full of muggles saw it, Sirius," I nearly yelled back. I needed to hurt that traitor as much as he had hurt me; the hatred grew stronger in me with each breath. Sirius looked as shaken as I was with my anger. Sirius wrapped his claw like hands around the cell bars and drew his face a little more than an inch from mine, looking at me between two of the bars. In that moment I realized how awful he looked, already so thin. How long had it been? A few weeks, a month? I didn't know, everything had been going so fast. Already he was so death like, a shadow of what he had once been, but he deserved it. He deserved every tortured moment he had spent and would spend there. Sirius' already hallow gaze never left me. I shook the thoughts out of my head and returned to reality.  
  
"Remus, I...didn't. Peter is the traitor." he stuttered over the words, he did not know how easy it was to see past his lie. How could he go on like that? Wasn't he plagued by guilt as I was? And I had done nothing like what he had. Didn't the dementors cause him to go through at least some pain?  
  
"Peter is dead, Sirius. You killed him; you betrayed Lily and James. You are the reason for your own suffering here. There is no forgiveness left for you." I looked once more at him, hating him for what he had done, but the sadness in his eyes still pierced my heart, I knew that pain. He needed me to save him. But he can only cause you more pain, I told myself.  
  
I began to walk away, my steps slow. Sirius reached through the bars of his cell and caught the hem of my robes.  
  
"Moony, please...I am innocent," he sobbed. I glared at him and snatched my robes out of his grasp. I started slowly off again. He called to me as I walked away. I heard him throw himself against the cold iron bars of the cell. I ignored him.  
  
I only remember seeing him so close to tears once before. He was begging my forgiveness for using me to nearly kill Snape, I shouldn't have forgiven him then, and I won't know.  
  
His calls rang out to me, the iron bars resounding note following. The sound of a cell door opening came from behind me. I guessed the dementors wanted his silence, the lack of footsteps aside from my own confirmed it. Sirius called my name once more from the now distant cell. Then an ear-piercing scream echoed through the halls. It was Sirius, and the pain I felt at that sound has never stopped haunting me. It echoed into my soul, and there it resides. 


End file.
